What do you get someone who’s been recently diagnosed?
I had this conversation with my mum recently after she’d had a friend annouce their cancer diagnosis. She was worried about what to say or what to get and wanted my opinion. So, for anyone else that may want it or need it, here’s my advice.
Acknowledge it. Give condolences. Offer support and hope.
This is my formula for writing messages when people have had crap news. Sounds bizarre, but it works for me. The best response I had from someone when I got my diagnosis was along these lines. It’s probably not suprising as they’ve been through the mill with health stuff too.
Don’t shy away from the person’s news. It’s not good, you can acknowledge how they may be feeling or how bleak the situation may feel. End on a positive.
“Hi, I heard news of your diagnosis. I just wanted to reach out and say how sorry I am to hear that. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling right now. If there’s anything you need now or in the coming months, please let me know. I’ll be here. I’m keeping you in my thoughts. x”
N.B. – Never offer any support that you’re not willing to follow through on. It’s far worse to flake out later down the line and leave someone feeling let down.
Remember that everyone is an individual.
What do they normally like? There’s not a specific “cancer” shopping list to buy from. Get them something you think will suit them. I have a very warped and dark sense of humour with some people and to get “traditional” messages of support from them would be incredibly odd.
Flowers are nice, but…
Be mindful that a lot of people get flowers when they don’t know what else to get. I ended up inundated, and whilst they were all beautiful and the sentiment appreciated, every side had a vase on. My colleagues bought me a bunch of tulips that were still attached to their bulbs, which I loved. I’ve since planted them in the garden to enjoy each year as a reminder of where I was and where I am now.
If you do get flowers, remember that there’s a language behind them and be conscious of some cultural differences. I always remember the person at school who got their girlfriend lillies to be different on Valentine’s Day, for her to be horrified and ask why he got her “funeral flowers”. If you can, go local and support smaller florist businesses, if you’re not sure what to get, ask their advice. I haven’t met an unfriendly florist yet.
Don’t go all in straight away.
I’m the worst for just wanting to react and wanting to do things as soon as possible. I’m rubbish at doing suprises for people as I want to see their reaction straight away, but it’s ok to wait. Chances are if they’ve just broken the news of a diagnosis then they’ll be bombarded with messages or cards/gifts. It’s ok to do something small and then do a follow up later. If they’re going into some sort of treatment or management for their condition, then doing a nice thing later as a pick-me-up will probably be really appreciated at the time.
Go treatment specific at the right time.
Just because someone has cancer, doesn’t mean they’ll have the same treatment as others. There’s a good chance that there may be surgery, chemotherapy, radiotherapy or medication at some point, but don’t guess what they’re having till they tell you. If they’ve just been diagnosed, they may very well be feeling quite overwhelmed with it all and may not necessarily appreciate gift vouchers for wigs or nausea tablets if they haven’t even thought about any of that part of it yet.
This links in with the point above, wait and get things for them throughout treatment as little lifts. If they’re having chemotherapy, getting them some soft socks, mini pamper things or do a self-care package, for example. If they’re going in for surgery, a mini surgery cushion, audiobooks to listen to or even a list or good things to binge on Netflix to save them searching. If you want to add in the extra effort on this binge list idea, add in extra information – for example, rank each series with how much attention you need to pay it (helps with fatigue), genre, how many episodes & length.
Gift vouchers aren’t copping out.
If you don’t know what to get, but want to get something. Go with gift vouchers. It’s not impersonal, it helps that person get what they want and need.
The gift vouchers I received let me browse for exactly what I wanted and hadn’t got. I personally bought some softer bed socks, nail oil and a soft cotton hat for some of the side effects of chemo. I also bought a little self-affirmation charm which I took with me to each treatment.
There’s a few places you can get gift vouchers from, but I’d recommend Not Another Bunch of Flowers. They have a wide range of gifts as well as gift boxes that you can build and personalise to send though.
(My husband very much rated their fruit cakes, I didn’t have the heart to tell my friends I’ve never liked it!)
The small things count.
If you can’t get a grandious gift or money is tight, don’t worry about it. The small gestures count. I’ve mentioned the Netflix playlist above. You can also do YouTube playlists or podcasts. If you’re crafty or creative, make something. The fact that you’ve taken the time out to do that will matter and show you care. Send a message, do the phone call, make time to drop round for a brew.
I know I’ve written this from a cancer point of view, but these things still stand regardless of the diagnosis or crappy life event that has led to someone needing a little more support in around them. If you’re reading this for advice, I hope it’s helped. If you’ve been on the receiving end of this and have advice you’d add, let me know, I’d love to hear it.
Life After Cancer 