A few things before I get into the main part of this blog. My approach of just being honest and open about it all worked for me. Some people are more private and feel the need to be more discrete. You have to do what’s right for you and what feels best. There’s no right or wrong with any of this. Just when I think I’ve got a grip on things, I’ve been suprised by how I’ve felt about something. Little things I thought I wouldn’t be bothered by, actually really bothered me. For example, the initial outpouring of support. It was lovely, it was so kind and I genuinely appreciated people’s sentiments, but I soon dreaded the post coming as chances are it’d either have an appointment letter, a results letter, a card or gift and it would just be another reminder that I had cancer.
I’m not covering in this blog about how I broached the topic with my son, who was 4 at the time. That’ll be for a more in depth future post as it was something I did over time and approached differently at different stages of treatment.
When did I tell people?
Those closest to me, I told before I went for my biopsy. Although at the time I was hopeful it was a cyst, I knew there’d still probably be a follow up and I’d need time off work and I was a bit preoccupied with the worry and people would know something wasn’t quite right. They were also the first people I told after that first Breast Clinic appointment. Some by a phone call, others by a personalised message.
Everyone else, I told around the time that I was getting the results for my follow up biopsies, before all the treatment began.
Why did I tell people?
I told family before I went as we have a trait we share where we all want to protect each other and don’t want to cause unecessary worry. I have been on the receiving end of this several times by certain family members in particular and have given them a stern dressing down which included “you should have told me!” each time. So, to practice what I preach, I told them, I also made a point of telling them why I was telling them so that if they’re ill in the future, they’d remember and give me the same courtesy back. I don’t often get on a high horse, but when I do, I make sure the point gets across!
I was open with work and with colleagues as I was taking time off work and I’m quite close to a few people there and they’d know something wasn’t right.
I told my other friends and family as again, although I wasn’t sure what was going to be happening, I didn’t want to just suddenly disappear off their radar. We were in lockdowns across the country, so were already quite isolated.
I’m being very general here, but there can sometimes be a generational difference in the approach to the “C” word. It used to be considered a shameful thing, but in more recent years, we understand it better, it’s become more widely spoken about and it’s a lot more common than people realise.
I think it was also important to me to be open and honest so that those near to me felt able to talk about it with others too. I don’t think for one second that they gossiped about me, but if my mum wanted to speak to her friends and offload about how she felt having her youngest daughter go through that, why shouldn’t she get that support? Yes, I’m the one diagnosed with it, but I’m not alone in this by any means.
There was also the part of me that wanted to let people know early on, so that if it was worst case scenario, people could have time to adjust and that the message wasn’t going to be a more unexpected, “Hey, so I’m going to die soon”.
How did I tell people?
I’ve mentioned previously that because we were in lockdowns, I couldn’t see people face to face. I had to do all my news breaking over the phone, by text/messenger and using social media. My parents live down the road, so I could stand on their doorstep and have a distanced chat, but it’s a quiet road and it wasn’t very private. I tended to see them in person so they could have a bit of reassurance that I was physically ok.
As for what I actually said to people, it was along the lines of what I said in the post I’ve embedded below. From my days working with the police and in mental health, I learnt that if I have something to say, then just to say it. Not to dance around the topic, but be honest and just tell it like I see it.
Close friends got a personalised message before I sent this out. I told my parents when I was going to do it so they could speak to family or expect messages should they want to.
Sidenote: You can tell from the hashtags on this post how well I was taking the situation.
How do I tell people now?
If I haven’t been dealing or known the person over the last year, then there’s a good chance they don’t know I’ve had cancer or that I’m still receiving treatment for it. Often I may not say anything unless they need to know. It can come into conversation if I make an off hand comment about being fatigued, having a fuzzy memory or having a hot flush. I wear various hair pieces and there has been an odd remark on my hair change which sparked me disclosing. It’s likely that the longer I go from treatment, then the less it’ll come up in conversation.
I’m fine with telling people. It’s not a shameful thing to have and I can talk about it without becoming too emotional so I don’t feel the need to be private or hide it. There are days where I just don’t want the “cancer conversation”, so those will be the ones where I tend to brush over it or just smile and carry on.
An example conversation:
Them – “Oh! You’ve had the big chop!”
Me – “Uh, no actually. I had chemotherapy last year, this is my regrowth.”
Them – “Well, at least you get to go through all those different hair lengths now!”
Me – “I’d rather have not needed to.” (I then changed the subject)
If I’m honest, I used to worry about how people may react or feel bad about them not knowing what to say. Once I’d got to the point of not really caring about that, I became more direct about it. It may sound really callous, but worrying about what other people think is exhausting. I’m not rude about it and I’ve never come across someone who’s been intentionally rude to me.
Breaking the news
There’s going to be a theme with these type of blogs. As always, you do you. This worked for me. So far I’ve not hit a significant issue with this approach.
- Be honest.
- Tell who you feel comfortable.
- Break the news at the right time (when you have their full attention).
- Tell them what you’re happy with other people knowing.
- Do it in the right way for you.
If you’re in the same position, I hope this helps in some way. If you know someone in a similar position, I hope it gives you some insight. If you’ve no experience at all, and I hope you never do, I hope it’s been an interesting read at least.
Life After Cancer 