When do I call myself a “Survivor”?

For me, the word “survivor” feels fairly significant to say. There’s a part of me that is nervous each time I say it, in case I’m chancing fate. There’s a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach and a noticeable tightening in my chest. Perhaps this is something that will get easier with time, perhaps that fear will be with me for the rest of my life. I don’t know.

I remember reading a thread on a breast cancer support group on this topic. The one comment that stuck with me was:

“Every day it doesn’t kill me, I’m a survivor.”

When I read that, it resonated with me. I started calling myself a survivor in my head at first. Never out loud at first, it didn’t feel safe. Once I finally had my first clear mammogram and CT after treatment which confirmed no evidence of disease, I started using it occasionally to describe myself.

I think when you use it is a really personal choice. Some people embrace the word and use it to celebrate their acheivements, others may just want to forget all about it as much as they can. As with a lot of the crappy cancer journey – you do you.

The other reason that it feels significant to me is that it implies I’ve survived something monumental. You don’t “survive” going to the shops, childbirth or getting a degree. You “survive” when you’ve been through a traumatic experience. You “survive” when something has threatened your very being or your existence. Being called a “survivor” acknowledges that you’ve been through some pretty shit times and out the other side. Describing yourself this way to someone is like a public declaration of some quite personal trauma and I’m not sure that people always understand the significance of that and how much weight is tied up in that one word.

I suppose that some of my uncomfortableness with saying that word is me adjusting to my own self image and accepting that I’ve been through that trauma and I’m alive on the other side. I’m not the same person as before. If I use “survivor” to describe myself, not everyone will understand the gravitas, but I suppose some people will and that’s ok.

I don’t know what the future holds, but at least for today, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I’ve been through some pretty rough shit to call myself that.